Not Today

‘Not today, not on this shift, not on this call, not on this stop — I will not be caught unaware!’
Dave Smith 

There’s a picture of my 10-yr old daughter on the inside of my locker door. I had one of my son wearing a goofy hat, and another of our family vacationing in Mexico, but they fell off. My girl’s giving me one of those half feigned 4th grade picture day smiles. Every  day after I flop my vest over my head, I will look at her and say, “Not today.” 

Today won’t be the day I let my guard down. I won’t assume this so and so call will be like the others. I won’t assume the parolee I’ve always gotten along with will again agree to go lie down for three months on another violation. I’ll watch my six and that of my partners. I’ll be ready, willing and able to be more violent than the most violent person I’ll meet that day. You wanna kill me? Not today. 

I don’t like violence. Never have. I never fought as a kid. The first time I was hit in the face it was as a cop. Violence is a necessary evil to maintain social order. Police officers, if we’re doing our job right, maintain order.   

The philosopher Thomas Hobbes describes life without a “social contract” in his classic book Leviathan. He calls it the “state of nature.” Life in a state of nature, he says, is characterized by... 

continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

Sounds a lot like the failed state of Somalia, where for decades various tribes, religious zealots and megalomaniacs have climbed over one another for power, or Mexico where narcoterrorists skin people alive and hang them in public places.  

Most people don’t think this could ever happen here. Most cops know it could. We see people who have no sense of future and who place very little value on human life. We see them in the parts of our cities and towns most people don’t know exist. These children who live in violence, squalor and psychological deprivation grow up. They become asocial “focused aggressors.” They keep fighting after being pepper sprayed and keep shooting after being shot. 

Focused aggressors have a few advantages over cops. First, they don’t give a fuck about life - yours, theirs or that of anyone else. It would be quite difficult for me to articulate in words to my wife or a non-police friend, exactly what it’s like to meet someone who just doesn’t give a fuck. It’s disturbing. 

Another advantage asocial focused aggressors have is that they get to pick the time. The parolee who I’ve always gotten along with swimmingly gets to pick the very moment he’s going to try to get my gun and attempt to execute me. 

Not today though. Today, I’m going to assume he’s going to try to kill me. This means I have to perform schizophrenic mental gymnastics, outwardly friendly and disarming but physically and emotionally ready to become more violent than he. 

I’m going back to the gym again tomorrow. I’m going to look like something in my uniform because I know there exist a growing number of asocial, predatory human beings in my city who look for the weak. The victim who gets beaten and robbed never knows it, but he was likely picked. Most people don’t know that criminals often drive or walk around looking for prey. 

But not today. Not me. I don’t get a kick out of beating someone’s ass but I’ll do it. Not if, but when I have to. As that great American poet Dr. Dre says in “The Watcher,” 

if you really want to take it there we can,

Just remember that you fucking with a family man.

I got a lot more to lose than you, remember that,

Don’t tell your wife or your boyfriend or kids, but tell yourself, “Not today.” They don’t need to know the gory details of mans inhumanity to man, that’s what you signed up to know. But be very clear with yourself when you walk out of the locker room that today will not be the day. 

We work in a cesspool of shit. It requires real dedication, commitment determination and help from others to wash the residue of the cesspool from our bodies, minds and hearts. It’s good work and we owe it to ourselves and our families. However, we cannot unsully ourselves if we don’t get out. Getting out starts with the simple and resolute oath whispered to ourselves and made to those who love us: Not today, not on this shift...